: Single and successful at 30… Can I please be happy?
I would like
to run my own business, do my own thing, get to the apex of my career… oh, how
easy it is to say these things. Something that is also very easy to do, is to
sit in your comfort zone, in the midst of your friends and analyze the life of
a successful lady who is unmarried and even state the reasons why you are sure
she is not yet married. One of the greatest questions that I know was asked in
Luke 6: 41, “Why worry about a speck in your friend’s eye when you have a log
in your own?”
What we find
is people seeming to know a lot about the things happening in other people’s
life from a distance and neglecting that which is going on in theirs. But, this
isn’t even the angle we are discussing today, instead, we are going to take a
walk in the shoes of a single and successful lady for a minute and see if we
would act better or differently if we were in similar circumstance. Shall we? …
Imagine you
were a female entrepreneur in Nigeria: You chose to take your passion
seriously, so you burnt the midnight candle, night after night, developing the
skill you need to grow your passion into a business. You submitted proposals
after proposals, just to get heard and then recognized. And somehow, you became
good at it, doors opened for you and your passion became a business; your
passion became big enough, it started to pay your rent, clothe and feed you and
your family. That is the life most of us would be happy to live right?
Okay let us
now add that you are 29 years old and do not have a man in your life –Now, it
is starting to sound scary right? - Oh yeah. You do not have a man, probably
because you were too busy growing your business and did not have the time to accommodate
another person. Or simply because your hunger for growth and vision of your
future just scared them away. Whatever it is, you just do not have a man at
this time of your life.
Time passed
and now you are 30. You realized how hard you have worked to achieve what you
have achieved and how far you have come. So you feel like doing something to
make yourself happy; to celebrate yourself. You go for a photo shoot the
morning of your birthday, take lovely pictures, post them on some social media
platforms; say Instagram and Facebook and add a well-constructed caption on how
you were able to climb the ladder of success, the hustle cloak and smiles you
had to wear and how much you have achieved in life; then, advise young ladies
never to give up on their dreams, but to keep pushing till the door opens for
them. You end your quote saying you have entered the big 30 league and are
grateful for how life has turned out for you. And you carry on with your daily
activities.
Two hours
into work, you get notifications on updates on those social media platforms.
Hoping to reply some good comments and questions, you pick up your phone; but,
are taken aback by the kinds of comments you see. Things like, “Go and marry
and leave social media alone.” “You seem to forget that you are a woman and
time is no longer on your side.” “When you get a man, then you know you have
achieved something.” “A woman is not complete without a man.” “Your
achievements are certainly the reasons why you haven’t found a man yet.” “You
are obviously a proud person; how then will you get a man?”
Now imagine
what life will feel like within those split minutes when that lady whom you
might have said these kinds of things to reads them. In her head, she starts to
reply your hurtful comments. She says things like: but this isn’t true. But I
have a right to be happy. No I am not a proud person.
Her day is ruined.
A day that was meant for celebration has now been filled with weeping. A lady
who is supposed to be strong and happy, starts to feel old, lonely, vulnerable,
sad and every other thing in this space.
Now that we
are on the same page; let us address this issue. Let us help ourselves develop
skins thick enough to absorb some BS
without them getting the better part of our emotions, hurting our feelings and
changing our theory of life:
People must talk: this is the first and most vital thing we
have to get. It is in our nature as humans to talk. We all talk about people;
it could be the good sides of their lives –their achievements-, or the bad
sides –their short comings-. Some people even practice talking about other
people as a method of preventing them from thinking about their own problems.
You see, in
life, we all have something bothering us; some people, rather than complaining,
look for solutions to their problems. Some, prefer to complain about their
issues, probably because they are not capable of finding the solutions
themselves. Others try to distract themselves by talking about other people’s
problems. The sooner we understand this, the better for us.
You need to remember who you are. Always: You have come this far sister girl and this isn’t a joke.
You are full of knowledge. You are actually doing something that works; do you
know how many people wish to have this. You are successful. You have nurtured
something and watched it grow. You probably know more than those people giving
you those BS comments. And in life,
you should be listening to people who know more than you do, not the other way
round.
So, the next
time somebody comes at you with a hateful comment, just before you get angry
and petty, take time out to access your life and theirs, look them in the face
with a smile and just say: it is not worth it. Then move on.
Now, check you: People have a
mindset about people who are successful. They feel that their success often
makes them proud, cocky, full of themselves; that sort of thing. For this
reason, we have to truly check ourselves. How approachable are we? What kind of
aura do we give off when people are around us?
There are
attitudes everyone gives off that they most likely aren’t aware of and this is
something I am guilty of. If I know how to do something and try to explain it
to someone who is finding it difficult doing, I’d explain it in a way that
really says, “Hey, this thing isn’t rocket science, why can’t you get this
already”. You see, I do not mean to sound or act this way. For the better part
of my existence, I never knew I gave off anything detrimental to anyone’s
self-esteem, -I, who is big on building people’s self-esteem-, but it took my
mother to make me realize what I do. So now, I make conscious effort not to
send this kind of vibe.
My advice,
pay attention to those little things, do not be shy to ask people what they
think you do that is wrong and try to adjust it. Now I am not asking that you
become everybody’s friend –which is impossible-, but to make sure that you portray
outside what you truly are inside.
Understand where you are: We
are the 21th century babies, but we live in Africa; a place where people judge
us from a distance without even giving us the opportunity to redeem ourselves.
So, you are just
twenty-seven years, a master’s degree holder and work as a manager of a
consulting firm, with a brand new car as your official car. You drive by and
people would say that you are too expensive to maintain. You were conservative
with your spending all year, go on a vacation and get yourself a really nice
and expensive LV bag and then they
say, you look like a lady who will be too demanding in a relationship.
Honey,
remember the first piece of advice they give us before we enter Rome, yeah, the
one that says “When you get to Rome, you behave like Romans do”. Yes.
So, the trick
is, before we do anything, let us sincerely
ask ourselves: Are we really doing this to prove a point? Or because we just
want to do it? Would doing this make us happy?
You live in
lekki phase 1 and your office is in Victoria Island? Why do you really live in
lekki phase 1? If you moved a little further to say, Ikate, Osapa London,
Surulere or Gbagada, will your friends see you less than who you are? Will you
save extra money for some other project? Will your life be affected in any way?
My advice,
next time your fat salary comes in or you get paid handsomely for that
contract; instead of getting those expensive shoes and bags, which you probably
might have more than enough of by now, how about you buy a land? When you want
to buy yourself a car and are at a dilemma between getting a good salon car or
a sexy SUV, dearie, get that good salon car and save the excess funds for your
next vacation, or you could invest in financial instruments like treasury
bills, mutual funds or/and bonds.
Am I asking
you not to spend the money you worked hard for? No. I am just saying we beat
the system to its own game. Let’s start to look accessible and approachable. Let
us demand for a chance to show that we are not what the next person might think
we are and let us spend our money wisely. Let us be in Africa and act like
Africans do.
Finally: Keep on staying true to
yourself, work hard and rest well. Do not be hard on yourself, because, as
humans we can only act our roles per time, the future is in the hands of
someone above us, my good friend, GOD. He knows the thought he has towards us,
that of good and not of evil. He sees our hearts and judges with that and not
what people think about us. Nobody knows what his plans are for you, he says in
1 Cor 2:9 “THINGS WHICH EYE HAS NOT SEEN AND EAR
HAS NOT HEARD, AND WHICH HAS NOT ENTERED THE HEART OF MAN, ALL THAT GOD HAS
PREPARED FOR THOSE WHO LOVE HIM.". How huge
and thoughtful and reassuring is this. But what is more important is
understanding that it doesn’t matter how much we have heard these words before,
if we do not believe it, it cannot work for us. Have a change of mindset and
stay Happy.
*************Single
girls deserve to be happy; Shit, we all deserve to be happy*************
Author’s Comment: Oh, I had a good time writing this piece
and I sincerely hope you enjoy it. Let me know if you did, by leaving a
comment or even some words of encouragement for someone who is this
position in the comment section below. And if there is a particular
topic you would like me to talk about, just suggest below and we would have an
even more interesting time talking about it. And make sure you also share this with the other
single ladies you know, you never know whose soul you might be saving. And
remember, we are single and not dead; life must go on. Abi mustn’t it?
……….Talk2urHommie……….
True words. But last last, this naija. Your parents have to be happy first.
ReplyDeleteLast last, we all deserve to be happy.
DeleteI can't even believe that after reading a post like this, someone still goes 'Your parents have to be happy first'.Did this person read the entire post? 30 or not, everyone should go ahead to live their dreams. No one should be defined by her/his marital status.
DeleteCool... I love mostly the balance in the piece. It would be a mistake to ignore perception and it would also be a mistake to be in the bondage of peoples opinions... So yes the balance between managing perception and living free of the scrutiny of others is key.... Lovely piece...
ReplyDeleteThank you very much.
DeleteNice one.....I hate that stupid idea that without a man, you have achieved nothing. Be happy irrespective of what others think or say.......they will always talk thats why they have mouth.
ReplyDeleteTrue words... Thank You.
Delete